"I can't do this"

/\ /\ This is exactly the text I sent Roland at about 1:00 yesterday afternoon.

Yesterday was not as perfect as I had expected. I expected sunshine and rainbows, but instead I got dark clouds and rain (both in the form of tears and shattering dishes)

The truth is that taking care of Dominic is about 100 times harder than a regular infant, and about 50 times more than I expected. Don't get me wrong, all kids have their challenges, but today I realized I am not entirely equipped for Dominic's. I realized it's impossible to prep Dominic's feeds, feed him, pump to provide food for him, medicate him, hold him, feed Rosalie and keep her happy. There just isn't enough time. This resulted in all of us crying and two of us bleeding by noon yesterday. This is not the blissful homecoming that I wanted and expected.

I know that we just need a routine, and thing will get better with time, but part of me is so angry because this was not part of the plan. We planned to have 2 babies, but we planned two regular ones. If Dominic didn't have the 22q with a cleft lip and palate we would be fine. If he could just breastfeed that would free up SO much of my time. Without having to pump and/or prep feeds every 3 hours I would not be constantly on the run. Not to mention that I loved it with Rosalie and feel it was stolen from me with Dominic.

I was so mad yesterday, about all those advantages I lost with Dominic, but then I went to bottle feed him and he looked up at me with those big blue eyes and I cried. But this time it wasn't an angry, frustrated cry-- it was a guilt laden cry. How could I be angry and wish he was something else? He's my baby and always will be. I just have some adjusting to do.

Thankfully I have a very supportive family. My mom took off work today to help me, just having her there made so much of a difference. With two of us there, at a few points it felt like I was standing around doing nothing, but I know that if mom wasn't there to occupy Rosalie, she would have been coming to me for that attention, and that's where it starts to get difficult. I think that I am going to have to get used to the fact that I most likely will not get my naps in the afternoon. That may seem like a silly loss to most people, but I seriously need my afternoon naps or the sleepy demon comes out. Caffeine may be my best friend or my worst enemy, I guess the next few days will determine which. I also think I am going to have to accept that my job during the day is to just "keep the ship from sinking". I have to leave the laundry, dishes, clutter clean up, etc until Roland gets home in the evening. Food prep is even a questionable venture (why oh WHY did I think I needed to eat those freezer meals while going back and forth to the hospital instead of when Dominic came home?)

We just need to figure out this new family routine now, and things will get better. I need to learn the ins and outs and tricks of the trade with Dominic and his meds and feeds. Rosalie needs to adjust to not being the baby anymore (HA!), however I think she knows she will always be the princess though.