Compulsive Lying...

Ahh the joys of parenting a preteen...

This is the BIG issue we have with Brayden right now and I am at a complete loss. He lies about EVERYTHING and ANYTHING.

What we are really struggling with is how to stop the behaviour without creating an environment of distrust. But we need to figure out how to create an aversion to the behaviour. Everything I read seems contradictory or doesn't offer help at solving the problem.

There are the obvious lies that are just made to avoid doing things that he doesn't want to do...

Me: "Do you have homework today?"
Brayden: "No"
Me: "Then what is this in your backpack?"
Brayden: "That's not homework, I just brought it home in case I wanted to work on it."
Me: "Then why does it say on it that it was due last week?"
Brayden: "...um...."
Me: "Yeah, that's what I thought. Go do your homework."

But then there are the other ones that have no rhyme or reason for happening! The other day he didn't want to eat all of his cereal so he dumped it on his chair and left for school. When I asked him why he did it he just says "I don't know", and won't say anything else to any of my questions...

Me: "why would you leave a mess like that?"
Him: "I don't know"
Me: "How was this the solution to whatever problem you had that seemed like the best idea?"
Him: "I don't know"
Me: "What were you thinking? What made you do this?"
Him: "I don't know"..
Me: "Did you not just walk your bowl to the dishwasher?"
Him: "Yeah."
Me: "Why couldn't you have just put the rest of your cereal down the garberator? It's like one step away from the dishwasher..."
Him: "I don't know"
etc...
etc..
etc....

 So I'm trying to read a bunch of articles online about compulsive lying and they all say that you need to find the root of WHY these kids are lying in order to try to stop the behaviour. Great. Perfect. A starting point. I have narrowed it down to two different reasons: 1) Fear: He's afraid of getting in trouble for doing something so he lies about it to try to avoid getting in trouble. and 2) Asserting Dominance: It's that classic preteen power struggle. He thinks that he can outsmart us and that we won't bust him, so he won't have to do whatever and he "wins". This would also tie into his huge attitude problem where we ask him questions and he talks to us like we are stupid or gets really angry at us for asking. Attitude out the wazoo...

OK! So I've got the reasons why he lies. So now what?

Well, apparently punishing him is a bad idea, because if he gets punished, he won't think he's getting punished for lying, he'll think he's getting punished because you found out the truth. SO this will encourage the lying behaviour instead, he will just find more clever ways to lie and try harder to cover his tracks so he won't get caught next time.

However, these articles don't give any alternative! Whatever you do, don't punish they lying! But we're not gunna tell you how to solve the problem anyway. So have fun with that! But I feel if there isn't some negative repercussion for his lying, then that is just encouraging the behaviour. If he lies, and gets busted, and we don't do anything about it, then he'll just lie again next time because the best case scenario for him is that he gets away with it, and the worst case scenario is that he gets busted, but nothing happens anyway, so it's a win-win for him!

The other option that seems to be a bad one is the punishment that fits the crime. So, if he lies about having homework, then I will have to check his dayplanner and his backpack everyday to ensure that he does not actually have homework, but then this creates an environment of distrust. We are showing that we don't trust him (which, frankly, I don't), and that can harm our relationship. He'll be angry that I never trust him, but I can't seem to find another way of knowing that he is telling the truth...

I just feel like I am stuck between a rock and a hard place.

P.S. And just for the record, I have a theory that compulsive lying is genetic... there just happens to be another person we deal with occasionally that also lies whenever she can...

The Boy In the Suitcase

Nina Borg, a Red Cross nurse, wife, and mother of two, is a compulsive do-gooder who can't say no when someone asks for help—even when she knows better. When her estranged friend Karin leaves her a key to a public locker in the Copenhagen train station, Nina gets suckered into her most dangerous project yet. Inside the locker is a suitcase, and inside the suitcase is a three-year-old boy: naked and drugged, but alive. 
 
Is the boy a victim of child trafficking? Can he be turned over to authorities, or will they only return him to whoever sold him? When Karin is discovered brutally murdered, Nina realizes that her life and the boy's are in jeopardy, too. In an increasingly desperate trek across Denmark, Nina tries to figure out who the boy is, where he belongs, and who exactly is trying to hunt him down.


I had hoped this book would be of similar quality as The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, but I'm afraid it's not quite up to snuff. 

Oftentimes when books have a decent following after having to be translated in to English from a language like Danish, I assume that there is something significant and different about it. TGWTDT, was just that. This one: not so much.

One of the reasons, I think I felt this way is that Stieg Larsson made Sweden feel like a place you were familiar with even if you had never been there. There was something about it that seemed like I wasn't reading from across an ocean from where it took place. I really felt that in The Boy in the Suitcase, that I really didn't understand the culture of Denmark. That I was missing something important by never having been there. 

I also found the character development a bit thin. The only person that you really see as multidimensional is Nina, who is kinda the main character, but everyone else are just token characters. Characters like "Worried Mother" , "Hired Thug", "Frustrated Husband", "Scared Child", etc., etc.. I really have no interest what happens to these characters throughout the book. The only people I care at all about are Nina and the boy in the suitcase... and kinda by extension, his mother, but not as much. Only because what happens to her directly effects the boy's outcome.

I did like the story, it was an interesting progression of events. I hadn't really read anything similar plotwise to it before. I think it would be classified as a Mystery novel, which is not my favourite genre, but it was OK. The writing wasn't spectacular, but being a translation that is to be expected. 

So overall, it was somewhat mediocre. There wasn't anything exceedingly bad about it, but there wasn't really anything super awesome either. Tough to recommend when I have read lots of way better stuff that is somewhat comparable. *coughGirlWithTheDragonTattoocough*

Team Preggo

I just found out that another one of my close friends, who was also pregnant when I was pregnant with Rosalie, is pregnant again. That makes 2 of the 4, and the 3rd I keep hoping whenever we have a get together that she will "come out" as being pregnant, but no luck yet. And the 4th doesn't want any more kids....

And this makes me DESPERATELY want to get pregnant again right now.

I don't know why this is important. It shouldn't be really. I mean, if their kids are a year older than my youngest that won't matter. All kids play together, no matter what the age difference, at out of school functions anyway. And it's not like they would even be going to the same school! But... BUT... I just want it...

So I think Roland might be finding me a bit on the baby crazy side for a while ;)

Maybe I am a Terrible Judge Character?

*NOTE: I noticed a lot more people checked my blog after the news hit about one of the following "certain someones", I figured that it is because a lot of people knew that I knew him, and were wondering what my response was. So here it is. It's a few days late because I really did have to think about how I felt and how to voice everything I was feeling. For those who already know who that person is, or perhaps the other one, you may understand this post better, however, I have no intention of giving names out. So don't ask. *

And by terrible, I mean that I see the best in everyone.That, or some people are extremely good at hiding their questionable morals.

In the past 6 months, I have had two people in my life get themselves into positions where their job was threatened (or sacrificed) and their credibility called into question. One of them was simply a coworker, but one I was familiar with, even if no longer friendly. The other is a person I would have considered a friend. Neither of these people would I have guessed in a million years would have done what they did. One was relieved of her position a couple months back, the other is on leave until his court case is settled.

I do not understand how these people can pull the wool over my eyes so harshly. These two people could have easily put my life or members of my family's lives at risk in one way or another. Yet prior to these incidents, I would have gladly let these people into my home.

Am I the type of person to fall into the clutches of a charismatic person? Just like Nazi Germany did. Or is it that they seem like nice people because they need to make up for the bad things they have done? Or does that niceness help them to commit these questionable actions and I should just learn to not trust anyone? 

Ugh.

For the record, I also realize that these things that happened are not really about me. I am only on the periphery of these events... but still. It goes to show you how the action of one person can effect SO many people.

False Alarm

Did the pregnancy test today. Not pregnant.

But that's OK. I wasn't really expecting to get knocked up so quickly. Actually, when the test came up negative, I was a bit relieved. Not the "teenage pregnancy scare" kind of relieved, but just a slight "we're not quite ready yet" relieved. It would have been fine if we were, but... we'll just say the best case scenario is "not quite yet".

Interestingly enough, I went and researched my symptoms when I first got them and a lot of them came up as pregnancy symptoms. But when I double checked afterward, and inserted the IUD factor, apparently there is a thing called the "IUD crash" which basically happens to a handful of people after getting the IUD removed. Basically you show a bunch of pregnancy symptoms while your hormones level out again.

That explains a lot! ;)

Can't be this early can it?

Yesterday is the first time I can say I "feel like" I'm pregnant without actually knowing.

I had had this weird crampy feel in my abdomen all day that has continued into today. I googled it (which is what any self-respecting internet addict would do), and it says that spotting or cramping can be a sign of pregnancy...

Or could it also just be the build up to my first period after getting the IUD removed? I figure, with the mechanics of it all, it is likely that a bit of trauma was caused to my uterus having an foreign object placed in it order to prevent my uterine lining from building up. Plus it wasn't exactly easy to get removed. Far more painful than getting it put in.

Pregnancy seems unlikely, but maybe I just feel that way because it took us about 8 months to get pregnant last time. Not that we were trying then (and we are not really trying this time either). But how much do you want to bet just because I am not expecting it to happen immediately it will.

This is probably a post that will get deleted if I am not pregnant. But I won't know until I take a pregnancy test and that won't happen until I can be sure that I have missed a period. So, if I am right, this is like the "check it out, I'm AWESOME" post that will preceed the absolute freakout of the "Oh my god, I'm not quite ready for another one yet, but I thought it would take a while" post...

Let the Daycare Begin!

I have always had a bit of a skeptical view of daycare.

I was brought up in a fortunate enough home that my mom stayed home with all of us until my brother completed elementary school, then she went back to school to become an Educational Associate, basically just to fill her time, because there was no reason for my family to need a second income. I suppose being in that environment never made me realize how few families are able to do that.

When Roland and I first talked about what would happen after my maternity leave was up, I was still hoping that we would be able to manage without daycare. I honestly was hoping that just having me work weekends would suffice. But alas, that is not the case. And I believe to be highly unlikely for many families in this day in age.

So Daycare it is.

Once we realized this unavoidable truth, I found it extremely difficult to find someone that met all of my perfect criteria: location, rates, quality... all of these things had to become negotiable once I actually had to start looking hard. I was wary of Kijiji at first, but it really was my only option after exhausting all of the people I know with daycares (and some people that don't have daycares that I asked anyway). The problem with Kijiji is it's tough to get people to get back to you. I had sent emails to about 7 different ads and only 2 people got back to me on the first try. One person responded that they were looking for someone over 2 years old after the second email I sent them, the others never responded even after the third email. So I was down to two daycares. The first one, was one that had an ideal location, between our house and Roland's work, she has two kids of her own and is only looking to take two more kids, but she is priced 50% higher than most daycares, according to people I have asked and others I have come across in my search. When asked about her price, she stated that she because she was only taking 4 children total, and she was planning on taking them on outings, she was priced competitively with those with similar style daycares. I liked her house, and her set-up, and what she told me about her overall plan. The second daycare, is in our neighbourhood, reasonably priced, but has 16 children with 3 adults on staff (although I really consider it only two, the husband of the woman that ran it was home, but didn't seem to participate much in the actual daycare other than picking up some school aged kids from the 4 schools in the area.), plus I did not like the primary area that the kids are in during the day.

So really, the choice for me came down to quality vs. affordability. And so I went with quality. I mean, if I am going to splurge on something and make us have to stick to a budget, it might as well be because I want my daughter to be in someone's care that I feel comfortable with. So right now, we are at the point where we are wondering if having Rosalie in this daycare is worth it for the amount of time I am at work. Are the extra days that I am working covering the cost of daycare and then some? We'll see in the coming months.

Rosalie has now been to daycare twice. Once last Friday and then this past Monday. I am pretty sure it was WAY harder on me than it was on her. We are still establishing a routine to make this transition easy, but so far so good! It is just really hard to let someone else take care of your baby. I mean, if I could stay home with her I totally would, I don't want to miss a thing, but our bank account vetoed that idea. At least I live in Canada, so I got to stay home with her for 13 months before I had to go back to work at all.

But in all seriousness, I dropped Rosalie off earlier than needs be on Monday so she could have some play time and get comfortable there before nap time (because that was an issue on Friday), and not to be over-dramatic or anything, but my life basically lost all meaning without her. I was home, I had eaten, and I had nothing to do until I went to work. PLUS I already missed her. What the hell did I used to do with my free time?

The Night Circus

The circus arrives without warning. No announcements precede it. It is simply there, when yesterday it was not. Within the black-and-white striped canvas tents is an utterly unique experience full of breathtaking amazements. It is called Le Cirque des Rêves, and it is only open at night. 

But behind the scenes, a fierce competition is underway—a duel between two young magicians, Celia and Marco, who have been trained since childhood expressly for this purpose by their mercurial instructors. Unbeknownst to them, this is a game in which only one can be left standing, and the circus is but the stage for a remarkable battle of imagination and will. Despite themselves, however, Celia and Marco tumble headfirst into love—a deep, magical love that makes the lights flicker and the room grow warm whenever they so much as brush hands. 

True love or not, the game must play out, and the fates of everyone involved, from the cast of extraordinary circus per­formers to the patrons, hang in the balance, suspended as precariously as the daring acrobats overhead. 

Written in rich, seductive prose, this spell-casting novel is a feast for the senses and the heart.


First of all, before I dive into my review, I would like to thank my best bud Erin for recommending that I read this book. She is part of a book club in Victoria and this is their pick this month. I mentioned to her that I should try to read all of the books that they do and then post my review on here and then she can take my review with her to the meeting. She added that if I ever get out to Victoria I could possibly be an honourary member to a meeting sometime. I liked that idea. I also like the idea of reading books that I do not pick myself. I think it'll broaden my horizons a bit. So Thank you Erin!!


Every so often I read a book that seems like it is so "visually" stunning that I can't help myself to thinking "I wish I could see this as a movie". But, considering that movies often ruin books, the only reason I really want it to be turned into a movie is because I actually want to SEE parts of it because it would be so beautiful and crazy. But it would be really tough to get it right. You would need a director that can make visually stunning movies (like Baz Luhrmann) to team up with someone that does some amazing special effects (like James Cameron), but I doubt two directors would work together well enough, and they wouldn't do it justice. So when I think I want to see it turned into a movie, what I actually want is it to become real life. So someone needs to make this circus for real. I totally want to go to this circus.

There are several different characters that "host" chapters throughout the book, both of the two main characters as well as a bunch of secondary ones. I found that I enjoyed Bailey's chapter's (a secondary character) more than anyone elses', and Herr Thiessen's were a close second (another secondary character). I think it is because both of these people were observers of the circus and not directly involved in it until late in the book. So you get to see this magnificent spectacle through the eyes of someone who gets to wander around and be amazed by everything, just like any reader would be if the circus came to town. It makes these chapters most relatable and makes the circus so wonderful and amazing, because you are being amazed with them. 

I think that it is important to note that the chapters are dated and not in chronological order. I think it would have helped me to know this beforehand, because the importance of the order the chapters would be chronologically does not just effect the chapter prior and subsequent. I found myself flipping back and forth to find out exactly when things happened in relation to other events. For the most part, there are two (sort of) story lines that eventually meet close to the end of the book. One of them takes place over several decades and the other over only a few years. Just a heads up in case you are really good with remembering these dates, otherwise you may be in for a lot of page flipping if you are a bit OCD like me.

Sometimes when I read a book I wonder where the author got their inspiration. Either because I have read or seen something similar or their ideas are so far out there and totally crazy that I have no idea where they came up with their concepts. This book is a bit of the former. I am a bit of a loyalist when it comes to my television watching. I rarely quit watching a show when it's quality starts to slip or I lose interest. If I do quit I feel guilty. Anywhoo, any of the other loyalist people that watched Heroes until is last (and horrible) season, may also recognize the similarities between the circus in this book and the circus in that season of Heroes. I felt like maybe Morgenstern may have also watched the show and though to herself "This could have been done SO much better, imagine if..." and then made her own book out of it. If this is the case, and even if it's not, Morgenstern totally hit it right on the nose and created a fabulous book of wonder and magic that will probably be one of my recommends and fill my dreams with Le Cirque des Rêves for weeks to come. 

"When are you going to have another baby?"

I hate this question for so many reasons. And I was guilty myself of asking it to many people after they had their first baby. (Same with "When are you going to have kids?" to people who are married without children yet. I'm guilty of that one too.)

First of all, who the hell says I want another baby? Many people opt to only have one child for so many reasons. Posing this question as if it's obvious that you must want more is irksome. To be 100% honest, if Rosalie ends up being the only baby I have, I am totally OK with that. That would not part of our "plan", but if the powers that be deny me the ability to have another one, I am cool with that. And I am sure many people come to that conclusion without trying for more. Some days I can't imagine loving another kid as much as I love Rosalie. So if you are happy with the way your family is with only one child: Good for you! Congrats on your one child.

Secondly, there is no way to just decide to get pregnant  and be like, "Ok, now seems right. So let's get pregnant right...(wait for it)... NOW!" *TA-DA! [Pregnant]*. You may choose to start trying to get pregnant, but who knows when it will actually happen. Sometimes these things take a while. Or happen far sooner than you expect. I don't know, and you don't know. So don't ask.

Next comes the point about how painful it is to ask this question to someone who may be currently having trouble to get pregnant for one reason or another, or someone who may have lost a child in infancy. This was pointed out to me by a friend that was struggling to have her second child. After having a miscarriage, someone asked her when she was going to have another one and it took all of her strength not to burst in to tears. My heart broke for her when I heard that. She didn't know when she was going to have another one, and it wasn't for lack of trying. You might never know someones story, so rather than unintentionally hurting them, maybe don't ask this question.

I think I have found a better way of asking this question without all of the presumptions and the possibility of hurting someone.

Try "Do you want [more] kids?".

I think this works better, because it gives someone the option of just answering "No" if they don't want any more, and I don't think it would put them on the defensive and feel a need to justify their response. It also doesn't assume a timeline, if you want more kids you may have them in the future, it doesn't assume you are omniscient and can read the future before it happens. And by asking if you want more, it does not presume that you will have more. If someone is already trying and struggling, they can just say "Yes" without having to pour salt in the wound of their struggles. Yes, they do want more kids. Desperately, perhaps. And there is no awkward justification in the reason they haven't had any yet.

Whaddya think? Does this make sense? Can we all buy into this?

Or if you have some huge logic holes to point out, feel free to post in the comments if you disagree!