I am happy.

This post is inspired by one of my good friends that did something similar on her blog. I am going to put the same disclaimer that she did...

"This is one of those annoying posts that glorify how awesome my life is, and how much I have to be thankful for what I have in my life right now.

If you aren't in a place to read that right now, please don't continue reading. Put your heart first, ahead of your head"

My life is obviously not perfect, not by any stretch of the imagination. I have rough days as well as good ones, in fact, there are some days where the list that follows does not apply. Where these things do not cause me happiness, but grief instead.

My Happiness is brought to me by...

- my sweet girl whom I love and appreciate every day. Who blows my mind every day as to the things she is learning and how she is SUCH her own little person now. No longer a baby, but a toddler with her own personality. I could never imagine life without her.

- my pregnancy, and impending, second child. This one may surprise some of you considering the troubles and forthcoming unknown looming, but I really am happy about this pregnancy. I enjoy being pregnant and knowing that this baby is going to have difficulties does not change that, especially because I feel that this baby is thriving while inside me (I am really starting to get frustrated with the kicks to my ribs that seem like they can break bones, and the kicks to the lungs that wind me, but I love how strong this baby is), but one of the reasons I was so devastated by the diagnoses is because I don't want a different baby, I want this one, and I am going to do everything in my power to keep this one with me, regardless of the sacrifices I need to make.

- my marriage. Yes, I have those days where I wonder how the hell I ended up married to this guy that does these things that drive me mad, but most of the time we laugh a lot, and make fun of eachother and have date nights (even if they are just in our basement watching DVTRed shows). That I still get little giddy, teenage feelings when he talks about just the two of us going to Vegas, or Bora Bora, or wherever, even though Who Knows when these things will actually happen.

- my home. We do spend some months being a little house poor, but we are where we want to be and never regret buying this house. I love being in my old neighbourhood where everything is so familiar and my parents are just a few blocks away. I love how close we are to the school so that Brayden can just walk there in the morning, and Rosalie will too when she's old enough. I love the developed-ness of it, the fact that there are huge trees everywhere, and cracks in the sidewalk to avoid stepping on or else may result in the breaking of your mother's back.

- the opportunities I have been given. I am thankful for so much that I have.

The Sequel Dilemma

I love re-reading books that I loved the first time around, although I don't do it very often. There are so many new and exciting books out there that I have yet to read, it seems like I am selling myself short by reading books I have already read when I could be reading something new. However there are a few reasons I will re-read a book or series...

First, is when there is a movie coming out. I have this self-sabatoging habit of reading books RIGHT before I see the movie so that I can nit-pick. Sometimes it ruins the movie for me, othertimes I am able to look past the inaccuracies.  If I haven't read the book the movie is based on in the last year or so, then I give it a reread.

Another reason I would reread a book is if it's a classic, or a favourite, book or series that needs to be refreshed every few years. When I was in school, I would reread Harry Potter every Christmas when school was out. I also read Anne of Green Gables every so often, although that one hasn't been read in several years now.

The final reason to reread a book is where my dilemma currently lies... When a sequel to a book is released. I prefer to read a series once the entire series has been released, therefore there is no wait time in between. Sometimes this works and sometimes it doesn't. I read the first Hunger Games novel when the last, Mockingjay, had already been released for example. But often, it doesn't work out that way. Harry Potter is an example of this. I started reading them just after the 4th book was released, and then would quickly read all the previous books in the series before the new one was released. Sometimes I don't realize a book is going to have a sequel, so it's just not predictable for me to wait. An example of this is The Devil Wears Prada and Revenge Wears Prada. I bought the latter at Costco when I was there the other day and I am not totally sure how to handle this. I REALLY want to read it, but it has been several years since I read the first, and I don't really have time to reread anything. Plus, I am SO close to being on target for my GoodReads reading challenge. I think I was a day behind being on target when I finished Accidents of Providence, now I am still back to "one book behind schedule". DAMN! SO CLOSE! The other thing is that I still haven't reread the last Harry Potter book from my set that I bought myself for my birthday TWO birthdays ago... but this reading challenge... I am just too competitive of a person I guess.

Are you a rereader? Or an "only once" type of person?

Coming Out: Part IV

Today was the first day I fought the urge to tell a large group of people about my baby's troubles.

I think this is showing more progress in my acceptance of this situation, and I think that's a good thing.

I think a lot of things aligned today to make me feel like I could start telling people about everything. First of all today was a great day and I felt supported by my coworkers, friends, and family, so after being so positive, the day just made it feel like anything would go perfectly. Second, I think it was the babies. After cuddling and seeing a 6 week and a 3 month old baby, I just wanted to share the predicted story of my baby. Knowing how much I loved those babies that weren't even mine, and feeling that other people would feel the same way about mine, made it a very supportive environment to "come out" to. And then I am sure a great many other things were factors as well. The moon, the stars... you name it...

But I didn't tell. I kept it to myself and stifled the urge to tell everyone.

Why, you ask?

Because this decision is up to more than just me. Roland and I have decided not to tell the world yet, so he needs to be involved when we do decide we are ready. Plus, we don't even have the full results of the amniocentesis back yet. Also, I still think it is too soon. But I am warming up to the idea of posting all of these blogs a month before baby is due, we'll see if I get another opportunity like I did today to tell a group of friends in person... but I won't hold my breath. I think for my purposes, it would limit the amount of time for TOO many people to find out, I don't want a big facebook announcement or anything that will send people rushing to my door, or flooding me with text messages. But I do want some people to know. The truth of the matter is that I will probably need help. For the amount of time that I will need to travel back and forth to the hospital with this one, I will need someone to look after Rosalie, and after the summer, my mom will probably not be available, so I may need to ask for help, and those that want to help... well, maybe I need to be more accepting of that and try not to do everything on my own.

I am also realizing that I need to stop being insulted by people who want to offer support and help. People will feel bad for me, and I need to be ok with that, and stop treating it like they are doing it out of obligation or pity. That it is ok for people to offer help and also ok for me to accept it. Especially because this support and help is only predicted right now... no one has done anything... so why do I get so frustrated? Because I am a bat-shit crazy pregnant woman... that's why...

Accidents of Providence

Rachel Lockyer is under investigation for murder.

It is 1649. King Charles has been beheaded for treason. Amid civil war, Cromwell's army is running the country. The Levellers, a small faction of political agitators, are calling for rights to the people. And a new law targeting unwed mothers and “lewd women” presumes anyone who conceals the death of her illegitimate child is guilty of murder.

Rachel Lockyer, unmarried glove maker, and William Walwyn, Leveller hero, are locked in a secret affair. But while William is imprisoned in the Tower, a child is found buried in the woods and Rachel is arrested.

So comes an investigation, public trial, and a cast of extraordinary characters made up of ordinary Londoners: gouty investigator Thomas Bartwain, fiery Elizabeth Lilburne and her revolution-chasing husband, Huguenot glover Mary Du Gard, a lawyer for the prosecution hell-bent on making an example of Rachel, and others. Spinning within are Rachel and William, their remarkable love story, and the miracles that come to even the commonest lives.


I found this book extremely difficult to rate. I liked it, it is right up my alley, but there was something about it that was a bit off, and I can't totally put my finger on it. So it got a 4/5 on GoodReads rather than a 5/5.

The topic in this book, about prosecuting women that hide the deaths of their newborn bastards, really reminded me of the witch hunts that happened in the Europe and the United States around the same time. It wasn't so much about the act itself as it was just trials trying to condemn women. Extremely sad, extremely unfair, and almost always resulting in a conviction that ended in the execution of the woman. 

I think the most important plot device in this novel is that the trials are never concerned with motive, only proving the death of the child, the maternity of the child, and that the death came unnaturally. So by following the trial, we don't really find out what happened to the baby until very late in the book... and then I cried... and CrIed, and CRIED. It was awful and sad and not at all what I expected. The impression I got from everyone that testified at her trial was that they were honest, but just that there was some fact that everyone was missing, and that the child's death was not, somehow, malicious. But I still could not have predicted what actually happened. 

Perhaps not the greatest topic for a book to be read by someone that is pregnant and particularly emotional right now. I should have seen that one coming. 

I didn't do much fact checking in this one, mostly because it didn't seem like there was a lot to check that stood out as inaccurate as far as my knowledge was concerned, I don't know much about the English Civil War period law or anything, but if anyone reads this one and finds something wrong with it, please let me know. 

Prepping for Baby

I have had this urge to go and start pulling out Rosalie's old newborn (that she never wore) and 0-3 month clothes the last week or so, but I still feel like it's a bit early. We still have lots to do before we can really prep baby's nursery. One would think it would be easier the second time around, and for most, it probably is, but for me, this time it seems tougher. Last time all of our prep really happened in the last month when we took possession of our new home. We had collected things we needed (change table, crib, all that big stuff) and stored it until we could just move it all into the empty room that would become Rosalie's, set it up, and bingo-bango-bongo we we ready. This time a lot more things need to happen it seems.

First of all, a lot of shuffles need to happen. At the end of the school year, Brayden will be moving into the basement bedroom to make room for baby upstairs. But even before that move we need to clean it out and paint it. Right now, there is A LOT of crap in that room. So I think we need to cleanse a bit as well as find different places to store the things we plan on keeping (like all of my teacher crap, and as any of the teachers out there will know, that can amount to A LOT of stuff). We have collected a few more big items that will actually be put to use, like Rosalie's vanity and dresser that won't fit in the nursery room right now, but once Brayden moves into the basement room, we will paint his old room and Rosalie will move in there, along with her furniture. Then we will really start to prep for Baby in Rosalie's old room. THAT's when I can start pulling out the baby clothes.

I am also desperately trying not to buy any new baby clothes until after he/she is born. Before Rosalie was born, I went crazy buying her girl things, but also bought a few gender neutral things just in case the ultrasound tech was wrong and we had a boy. So I know we are covered for a little while with what we have, but I still need to fight the urge to buy any baby clothes... or sheets... or change table pad covers...

But really, if we have a boy I think the theme of any baby shower or baby gifts should be "DRESS THIS CHILD" because really I don't think I have anything very gender neutral after the first 3 months. If it's a girl... I will have no idea what to ask for because I think we will pretty much have everything we need...

And just for the record, anyone that has had boys in the past, I love hand-me-downs and I would REALLY appriciate them if you want to get rid of some!! Just putting it out there... ;)

Day 200

I am now 200 days in to this pregnancy. Only 80 left! That seems crazy. Not only because 80 days doesn't seem like that long, but also because 200 days seems like forever!

At my 24 week Dr's appointment, my doctor made a statement about how this baby isn't a small baby, and my 28 week appointment on Friday confirmed that. For those who aren't aware, once the growth of your uterus has gotten above your belly button during pregnancy, the doctor measures it as part of your routine appointments. This measurement in centimetres should be the same number, on average, of how many weeks gestation your baby is at. At my 24 week appointment my pelvis to fundus (top of uterus) was measuring 25 cm, leading her to comment that my baby isn't small. At my 28 week appointment, she measured me about 3 times, then asked me to confirm how many weeks I am. I stated "28" and she said ok, and walked away. I asked if I was measuring a cm over still, and she said "Actually, I got 31 cm"... so... yeah... this baby is not small.... and may be splitting me in half during delivery methinks....

Coming Out: Part III

I have been really struggling with the thought of telling people what is going on with this baby.

Some people know of course. My parents were the first outsiders to find out, I told them after we got news about the heart defect (but before we had talked to the cardiologist) at Roland's strong urging. I was still in a place where I didn't want to tell anyone then, but I think Roland thought he was in over his head and needed someone else to take some of my tears. My mom is a great sounding board and support for tough stuff like this. I was glad I told her then. My brother was around the same day, so he walked in on our convo and found out. Roland told his parents later that night. My mom told my sister after we saw the cardiologist. I told my buddy Erin after I made a comment on facebook about wishing that drinking would solve problems rather than create them. She was the only person that recognized that I was struggling and not just joking around about having to abstain during pregnancy. Roland also had to tell a couple people at work right as soon as that second ultrasound turned out to be sketchy. Once we knew we were in for a bunch of extra specialist appointments, he felt that if he tried to be vague about reasons it would look sketchy, so he just told them right out. I also told my supervisor at work, because I know that I will be booking sick often for these additional appointments, and it's not like I have a choice when they are and can book them on my days off. With specialists, they tell you when your appointment is, not ask when you would like to come in.

That is the all-inclusive list at the moment. Brayden doesn't know, really, because I don't think he needs to. It's not like he can help, and he doesn't need to worry about it...

As far as friends and extended family... when is the best time to tell people?

No one else really needs to know. I am worried about extensive pity and forced support while people are actually thinking "I'm glad that's not me". I know that no one wants it to be them, but... I just don't want to see that on peoples faces. So, that is why now doesn't seem to be a good time. The due date is too far away yet and I only want to have to deal with other people as long as I have to.

My doctor has said she will give me a sick note to stop working at a moments notice if I feel I need it. So I was thinking that if I decide that I do need to stop working, then that would be a good time. But at the same time, frankly, no one really asks me about work outside of my family, so if I go off work once the June schedule is posted, then I won't show up as on Sick Leave until July... so really, no one will notice I'm not working.

Perhaps after the intensive amniocentesis results are back? If this is chromosomal, I may need help with a great many things after this baby is born. This would be a good opportunity to swallow my pride and ask for it... but... ugh... I dunno...

I was thinking maybe I would just post an update on facebook when baby is born... something along the lines of "[baby name] Tomyn was born at xx:xx, weighing ? lbs, ? oz, and was whisked off to the nicu shortly after birth due to some complications. We will not be entertaining visitors outside of immediate family for the time being" but my sister pointed out that something like this might just entice people to call, text, post on facebook asking more questions and would make things worse. At least if I do it before this point, it will ease the inundation of communication all at once...

I don't think there really is a perfect time to tell people about things like this. There is no "standard-tell-people" milestone like there is with a pregnancy (I support the 3 month marker, personally, but it's definitely up to mom and dad to determine when the time is right). So I guess we will just wait until it feels like it's time. Or maybe it will present itself in a way that will make it easier. Anyone that knows me knows I am a terrible liar, so if someone were to be, like, "hey, did you ever have that second ultrasound?", it might be a good segway in to talking about it... we'll see...

'Cuz right now I have no bloody clue...

Another Ninja

I remember when I was pregnant with Rosalie we talked about how well she would do in karate considering how much she was kicking me. I never did kick counts, there was no need after about 20 weeks. She was moving constantly. If she wasn't moving, all I would have to do was stay really still for a couple minutes and BOOM. She was active.

This baby is the same, although I swear kicks me way harder. At 7 months, I have been winded a couple of times. I swear a foot is going to come right out of my belly one of these days, and there is still so much more growing to do and strenght to gain. This baby may very well bruise me from the inside. Maybe I felt the same way about Rosalie at the time, but right now this baby seems to be kicking more often and harder (and in more vindictive places, like my bladder, my vagina, and my lungs... nice baby)

I cannot imagine this baby not making it when s/he is SO strong right now. I feel like this baby is saying "Look mom! I am totally good! I can kick this heart defect/cleft palate/any other issue's ass! Don't you worry about me!" But I worry. I am a mom, and I must, and there are still so many unanswered questions.

A Phone Call, Stretch Marks, and 7 Months.

Yesterday we got the phonecall that we have been waiting for for a week. The first set of results from my amniocentesis, from what they call the "Fish" test (I think this stands for Fluoresence in situ hybridization... whatever that means. Thanks google.) which is a test they run on five different sets of chromosomes that most commonly have abnormalities. Three of these abnormalities are fatal, one results in Downs Syndrome, and the other is on the sex chromosomes, which results in the baby being sterile. I find that Roland hangs on to the strangest things when we go to get these tests done. When we first found out there might be a chromosomal problem with baby, Roland's conversation with the doctor went something like this...

Roland: What are chromosomes?
Doctor: Chromosomes are our blueprints for our entire being. We have 23 pairs, or 46 chomosomes. 23 from each parent. Having errors on any of these chromosomes can lead to different problems with a fetus or person.
R: Different problems?
D: Yes, it can very from anything minor to very major.
R. How major?
D: Well, in many cases it is suspected that chromosomal abnormalities account for many miscarriages and stillbirths. Sometimes babies can survive in utero, but won't live long after they are born.
R: And how do we know if we have one of those?
D: Sometimes there are symptoms we can tell from an ultrasound. For example with Trisomy 18, the babies generally have clenched fists and rounded feet, and delayed growth. But your baby doesn't have any of those symptoms.
R: So if it has this 18 thingy, it won't live.
D: Right. But there are no signs of that one.
...

Now, Roland has been stressing over Trisomy 18 ever since. Even though she said there were no signs of that one (other than the heart defect, but I think that is a common sign in a lot of the chromosomal abnormalities). But he would not let that one go. Any question about anything chromosomal, and he would bring it back to trisomy 18.

Anywhoo, the results of the FISH all came back normal, and that includes his/her 18 set, only the two of those. So no Trisomy 18. The way that Roland reacted, you would think that meant that this baby has no problems whatsoever. He/She still has the heart defect, and still has the cleft palate, but I was also slightly relieved. It's a good first step. I am still somewhat worried about DiGeorge Syndrome, which to me, seems like the most likely chromosomal issue my baby might have, but at least that one isn't fatal. Another couple weeks for the more intensive results to come back.

~*~

With my pregnancy with Rosalie, I did everything in my power to avoid stretch marks. I was gooing up my belly at least a couple times a day. Whenever I was in the bathroom and I thought of it I would put one of several different types of lotion that were supposed to help. I still ended up with a few marks, I have a little "flame" above my belly button, one on the side of my belly, and a few down by my pelvis, but I really came out relatively unscathed. Since then, I've heard it has way less to do with lotion and more to do with genetics, but I still started out this pregnancy with the same attempts to avoid stretch marks with all of the lotions. I realized a few days ago that I haven't lubed up my belly at all since that second ultrasound where we found out about the cleft palate. Part of me thinks that's just because I had way more to worry about than just whether or not I would have stretch marks. But even after coming to this realization, I did not have any urge to lotion up my belly. I think I had subconsciously, before consciously, come to the conclusion that I want stretch marks from this baby. This poor little guy or girl will have so many scars from heart surgeries and this cleft palate that I feel like I should have some too. This pregnancy has not been quite as easy as Rosalie's in a few ways that I feel like I want some battle wounds from it. So I am done with lotions and avoidance. Bring on the tiger stripes! Or fire belly! Or whatever may come (genetics permitting)

~*~

7 months.

How time flies. 

This last couple weeks has been a whirlwind. So much has happened that it feels like we have been dealing with all of these doctors appointments forever, yet it has only been 2 weeks and a day since that second ultrasound. And now there really isn't all that much time left until this baby shows up. I am done work in 2 months, so I can almost start counting down the days. We have a lot of planning to do still, but in a lot of ways it is very lucky this is our second baby. We do not have the compounded pressure of having to make sure we have all of the "normal" baby supplies on top of the special ones this baby will need. We have all of the furnature, and bathtub, and linens, and whatever. All we have to worry about is picking out a new Angel Care Monitor (that is my mother's day gift, I want a really fancy one this time), and bottles and feeding supplies that will be needed for a baby with a cleft palate...

We have come a long way. From the devistation I felt on that first day to the acceptance, and in some ways, enthusiasm towards whatever difficulties this baby may bring. I know it sounds strange to be enthusiastic about heart defects and cleft palate, but I know we can handle it, and this baby will be given every possible opportunity that we can provide. Considering the country we live in, and the financial stability we have in our family, this baby is very lucky. In poorer countries this baby might not make it. It will be a challange, and I am sure once we are in it, I will probably get overwhelmed and be less enthusiastic, but for the time being I am optomistic. As long as I get to bring this baby home, I will be happy... now if we can just eliminate those pesky chromosomal abnormalities...

Thirteen Reasons Why

Clay Jensen returns home from school to find a mysterious box with his name on it lying on his porch. Inside he discovers thirteen cassette tapes recorded by Hannah Baker, his classmate and crush who committed suicide two weeks earlier.

On tape, Hannah explains that there are thirteen reasons why she decided to end her life. Clay is one of them. If he listens, he'll find out how he made the list.

Through Hannah and Clay's dual narratives, debut author Jay Asher weaves an intricate and heartrending story of confusion and desperation that will deeply affect teen readers.

I always have difficulty reviewing books like this. They are all about pain and sadness and in this case there is a lot of teen vindictiveness and bullying. So it's hard to say that you "like" it, but it is a book that got it's point across and delivered it well. 

I mentioned a couple of book reviews ago how I prefer chronology in a story and this book was PERFECT for that. Although the things he is listening to on the tapes have happened a while ago (maybe weeks?), Clay's internal narrative goes on directly as the tapes are playing, so we get his immediate reaction to any information that is given. It's a great way to show just how devastated this kid is, and just how well Hannah thought out and controlled the tapes. I thought it was just an amazing delivery and an asset to the story.

I also very much appreciated the conclusion of this book, although it does seem like there could be a lot more of the bigger picture to be told. I am interested in the reactions of other people in the story to these tapes, but it would lose effect without having the dual narration, and if Asher were to make a sequel, it would lose something without the dual narration, and it would also lose something if it was there, having to read the same thing over again. I guess we just have to judge for ourselves how the people involved in the story would react to Hannah's method of a suicide note. Some characters may be more easily predicted than others.

One of the great appreciations I had for this book was that Asher did not try to end it on a happy note. It is dealing with suicide and that is devastating and so the book should leave those feeling justifiably devastated. I did find myself wishing that Hannah would pop up at the end, alive and well, and ask everyone if they learned a valuable lesson, but that would have been awful. I suppose, like the characters in the novel, I got attached to Hannah and was hoping it all wasn't true. Denial. It's one of those stages of grief, right?

One of the problems with books a book like this is that it is based on very important topic, and every teenager should read it, but it's also a delicate topic and intended for a delicate age. How do you encourage a teen to read this book unless they have already experienced something like this in their young lives? And if they have, then part of the message about treating everyone kindly because you never know what is going on in their lives, is too late. I think this is a book that every teenager should read, but the only way to get that to happen is to add in into an English curriculum or something. But that would make students less enthusiastic about it, because it wasn't their choice to read it. 

So I recommend it. Read it, and I hope you recommend it to the teenagers in your life. Hopefully we can get an important message out to the teenage community about suicide, how it effects everyone, and how to help people and try to avoid having those suicides happen in the future. 

And go hug a sad friend. Everyone can use a hug once and a while.

Loving Them Differently...

One of the reasons I initally was hoping for a boy is that I was concerned that if I had two girls I would inevitably end up preferring one over the other, which I thought was extremely awful, but I also felt was unavoidable.

Tonight, I randomly came to the thought that it doesn't matter now, whether this baby is a boy or a girl, because no matter what happens with the diagnosis in the next couple of weeks, or things that may come to light once he or she is born, this baby will be the one that needed to stuggle and fight to come home to our family. This baby will be my little knight or heroine. Or, heaven forbid, my guardian angel.

No matter what, this baby will be loved differently than Rosalie. And I take great comfort in that fact.

Third Trimester

It has been about 24 hours since my amniocentesis and I have not gone into labour yet, so I am pretty sure that means that we are not part of that 1% of cases where it induces preterm labour. More good news in a way!

Today is also the first day of my 3rd Trimester.

Today is also the 8 year anniversary of the day Roland and I started dating.

Today seems like a significant day.

Another significant day is baby's due date... sorta... My LMP makes my duedate August 6th, but my Ultrasound changed it to August 9th (although not officially, my doc doesn't change duedates by ultrasound unless they are significantly different than the LMP one), but these dates are really close to August 11th, which in 2011 is when I found out I was pregnant with Rosalie. So... I'm rooting for that date ;)

Yet Another Ultrasound and More Tests

Today we had another appointment at Royal University Hospital for another Ultrasound. We needed to meet with the neonatal/pediatric cardiologist to see just how bad the heart was. I was nervous about this appointment, but once again thought I was prepared. I knew if it was bad news I wouldn't take it well, but I did things to prepare myself for that possibility... as much as anyone can. Just little things, like parking at RUH can be ridiculous, so I considered parking in the residential area around the hospital, but I decided not to because if I needed Roland to escort me to my car, it would be better if it was closer. Little things like that. And just being prepared for that horrible news. Bracing yourself. Knowing it is a possibility....

I was made nervous even more when Roland arrived only minutes before our appointment, he was coming from work, but I didn't think it would take him as long to get there as it did. We were then ushered into the same room we had the last ultrasound in and got started with same ol' routine. It's getting quite old now frankly. I didn't really want more than one ultrasound to begin with, but now that they are absolutely necessary, they are really a drag. I guess this one was slightly different, it was an echocardiogram, so, more specialized to the heart (there were colours and things going on on the screen), but it was still not super fun. It was also a bit frustrating when the tech and the cardiologist were talking their gobbledy-gook speak. Occasionally they would say something mildly comforting, like "the size of that aorta looks good", and they said lots of "Yep, capture that. Ok, that looks good." so I was comforted by those little "goods" but I needed to remind myself that what may be "good" for the doctor does not necessarily mean that it is "good" for my baby. He may be saying "good" because the captured screen they got gives lots of information about my baby's ailment, not that the ailment itself isn't there...

However it did not turn out to be all bad news, meaning it was not the worst case scenario. The OB/GYN mentioned a possibility last time that there may be things wrong with my baby that cannot be fixed, that this baby may not be able to live outside of me or even make it to term. As far as the Cardiologist is concerned, the heart is not one of these reasons. I won't try to explain my baby's heart defect here, it made total sense when a professional was explaining it, but I don't think I would do it right. This baby's heart defect is "fixable". The cardiologist has seen this before plenty of times and can operate and fix the problem. Not uncommon, not particularly complicated. With any surgery there are risks, but as far as he is concerned, assuming that we know about all of baby's problems (meaning the only other problem is the cleft palate), there is no reason this baby wouldn't make it through the surgery. This is also something that does not need to be done immediately after birth. My guess is that they will follow the "rule of 10s" (baby is 10 weeks old, weighs 10 lbs, and has 10g hemoglobin). It's strange to think that I am happy about my baby having this heart defect, but I am. I am so happy that it is fixable. I am happy this hasn't quashed my hopes of eventually bringing home this baby.

After the ECHO, my OB/GYN did my amniocentesis. This was not fun. I do not recommend it just for funzies. If there is no reason for you to need one, then don't get it. It wasn't excruciatingly painful, but it did hurt, and then I was super uncomfortable while I stayed still as they sucked out the amniotic fluid. And I'm still a bit sore, I'm not sure if I will be able to sleep on my left side tonight. But once again, like the ultrasounds, I may not really want it, but it is necessary. This test will hopefully give us more good news, or at worse, just let us know what we are dealing with here. If it's DiGeorge Syndrome, at least we will know in a couple of weeks. There are still chromosomal diagnosis that could still mean my baby might not survive, but with the heart looking good I remain optimistic.

Today's appointment was also pretty informative about what my birth and delivery will look like, should this baby make it that far. My OB/GYN said that we want this baby to be as big as possible, so there won't be any reason to induce me, which I was happy to hear. It seemed to me that she was kinda saying that really my uterus is the safest place for this baby right now (as it is for most babies). That I have carried this baby well so far, that baby seems happy and is moving around lots, so why mess with that? Baby is not is distress, so let's do our best to keep it that way. She also has no reason to think I will need a caesarean section because of any of this. She said babies can tolerate a lot, and were meant to tolerate birth, and as she sees it right now, we don't need to talk about a c-section. So that was more music to my ears. Then we started talking about after delivery, which was quite a bit less positive. Baby will probably not be put on my chest right after he/she is born. I will probably not get a chance to hold my baby at all right after he/she is born. Baby will be whisked away to the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit, and I will not be able to see him/her until at least an hour after he/she is born. When I told the doctor that I would obviously like to breastfeed, she started shaking her head at me, she said that with any baby that has a heart condition they will be fed intravenously, plus babies with Cleft Palates tend to aspirate on fluids because the liquid gets into their nasal passages since there is a gap there where there shouldn't be. Plus latching is almost impossible because they can't get a good suction. I have done a bunch of research and decided that I will try when the danger is less, there are lots of tips out there for breastfeeding cleft palate babies involving more awkward holds that will let gravity do some of the work, but we'll see. It was still kinda a sad moment for me. I loved nursing Rosalie so much. We'll see what happens in NICU, I would also not even mind just letting baby suckle by boobs for comfort if the nurses will let me. It might make up for the bonding time we will miss out on while baby is in the NICU and not at home with us. And, of course, I will pump anyway. If my boobs are at all like they were last time, I will have plenty to feed him or her and will have lots left over to store for when he/she comes home too.

So, overall not a bad day. I only cried a little bit when I was told I most likely won't get to hold my baby and nurse, but those are minimal considering the possible challenges we are facing. My baby is alive, my baby is doing well, and my baby still has hope of coming home with us eventually. Hurrah for good news!

Indian Ernie

When he began his career with the Saskatoon Police in 1987, Ernie Louttit was only the city's third native police officer. Indian Ernie, as he came to be known on the streets, here details an era of challenge, prejudice, and also tremendous change in urban policing. Drawing from his childhood, army career, and service as a veteran patrol officer, Louttit shares stories of criminals and victims, the night shift, avoiding politics, but most of all, the realities of the marginalized and disenfranchised.

Louttit spent his entire career (including as a Sergeant) patrolling the streets of Saskatoon's west side, an area until recently beset by poverty, and terrible social conditions. Here, he struggled to bring justice to communities where the lines between criminal and victim often blurred. Though Louttit's story is characterized by conflict, danger, and violence, he argues that empathy and love for the community you serve are the greatest tools in any officer's hands, especially when policing society's less fortunate.

While his story is based on his experiences in Saskatoon, it is equally applicable to the challenges faced in any community where marginalized people live. It is an exciting, passionate, easy to read, and highly accessible story aimed at a broad audience.



I really enjoyed this book for several reasons. 

First of all, Saskatoon being my hometown, automatically makes Louttit's book interesting to me. There is noting like learning something new about where you live. And in my case, I was raised on the east side of the city in a privileged neighborhood, and I was pretty much in a bubble. When I was in elementary and highschool, as far as I was concerned, violent crime and drugs were something that belonged in movies, not in the city I was born and raised in. Of course by the time I was hired at the Correctional Centre, I was far less naive, but I still had (and have) a lot to learn. This book is a great way to become informed about just how the crime in Saskatoon has changed over Louttit's career, and by extension, in my lifetime.

Another draw to this book was that the field of work I am in, crime in Saskatoon really interests me. It was really enlightening to see how many of the 'clients' at the Saskatoon Correctional Centre end up there. Of course, not all of them were arrested by Indian Ernie, but being assigned to the area he was, I would bet that plenty of them had been arrested by him at one time, and if they weren't, at least they may be familiar with him. Although he doesn't give any names of the offenders in the example arrests in his career, I am sure that I would know some of them if he did. I have a few guesses, but his descriptions are often relatively generic, probably so people like myself can't actually say for certain who is who.

I found this book extremely readable. Granted, he isn't always expansive with his vocabulary, but he is a very good storyteller. Early in the book he alternates back and forth from his time in the Saskatoon Police Service and his childhood and background coming into policing. It was a great way of providing a basis of knowledge about him as well as keeping us interested through the means of his many interesting arrests. Had the entire book been formatted chronologically, I think it would have been a really boring first half. Not that his life wasn't interesting when he was young, it just wasn't as action packed as it was once he got into the Police Force.

I think it would be tough for me to recommend this book to anyone that doesn't live in Saskatoon, because even just knowing the approximate locations of the communities he is talking about makes this book more interesting. But otherwise I would recommend it to everyone in Saskatoon. It's great to stay informed on everything possible in your community and city, and even my dad read this book and enjoyed it, and he's not that big of a reader. So to all my Saskatoonian readers, read up! :)

This Pregnancy is Turning Me into a Hobbit...

Seriously, I eat all the time.

While I have been on day shifts this past weekend, every day I have seriously eaten: 1st breakfast (before I leave the house), 2nd breakfast (soon after I get to work), 11sies (around 11:00), Lunch (obviously), Snack (sometime between lunch and when I go home at 3:00)... and then tea (once I get home), Supper (with the family), and Bedtime snack (right before bed)...

I have NEVER eaten so much in my life. I used to be able to claim I wasn't that big of an eater, but now I totally am a pig.

But it must be getting put to good use, because I have not gained all that much during this pregnancy. I'm sitting at about 20 lbs over my prepregnancy weight, which is in the normal range. I think I might be slightly higher than I was with Rosalie, but not significantly.

What To Expect says that eating more might be a sign of a boy... just saying ;)...

Not in a Good Place

I couldn't sleep last night, so I ended up booking sick at work today. It's probably for the best, I don't think my head would have been at work because of all of the thoughts I have going on about baby all the time. I may end up bursting in to tears at random. And absentmindedness and weakness is not a good thing in my work environment. I would be putting my coworkers at risk. It's best I just take another day and head back tomorrow.

I felt like on Tuesday when I googled cleft palates, while curled up in the fetal position crying in bed, that I had read that heart defects often accompany cleft palates. I re-googled it last night, and I think my mind was playing tricks on me to attempt to make me feel better, because I could find nothing of the sort. I did, however, find a chromosomal abnormality that has both. It is a deletion of the long arm of Chromosome 22 and called Velocardiofacial syndrome or DiGeorge syndrome. I am hoping this one is our worst case scenario, but at the rate things are going, the more we know the worse things look. Right now, it appears that our best case scenario is that the heart defect is genetic (Both Brayden and I had problems when we were born, his still continues, I grew out of mine), and that the cleft palate is an unfortunate coincidence.

My new OB/GYN, the doctor who did the ultrasound yesterday, called and we made an appointment on Tuesday afternoon to do the heart ultrasound with the cardiologist, and then afterward we will do the amniocentesis. So hopefully, by Tuesday night we will have a better idea of what we are dealing with for the heart, and then however long it takes to get the results back from the amniocentesis for chromosomal stuff.

As long as things keep moving forward, I think I can keep my sanity. It's when we stall and only play the waiting game that I start to go crazy.

Another Ultrasound...

Today Roland, Rosalie and I made our way to RUH to see a specialist to do another ultrasound with the baby. It was scary, but at the same time I had researched the crap out of the whole cleft lip/palate thing, so I felt prepared.

I was not prepared.

There is a very real possibility this baby might not make it. The heart doesn't look good, the baby has a bilateral cleft palate and cleft lip... the doctor said that when there are two serious, unrelated issues generally they look towards chromosomal abnormalities, which means that there could be a lot more issues they can't see.

(On a side note, this heart thing which is now a big deal the first radiologist skimmed over. I feel like he is purposely keeping me off guard. At our first ultrasound he focused on the heart, but just said that because of how baby was positioned, we couldn't get a good picture. Oh yeah, and we want another face one. Then for the followup, he focuses on the face, the possible cleft palate... oh and by the way, I'm still not happy with the heart. So I am never prepared for what they tell me at the next stage. I understand he can't give me a diagnosis, but give me some hint at the severity! Give me something! Don't just lie and skim over things. Distract me while giving me more bad information.)

The RUH doctor has asked me to come back to see a cardiologist that will look at the heart to see how bad it is, at the same time, we have the option of doing an amniocentesis in order to figure out if the problem is on a chromosomal level. The problem with amniocentesis is that there is a 1% chance that it could cause me to go into preterm labour, and with all of the problems we already know this baby has, I can only assume it probably wouldn't make it if I did. Another option is a far less reliable, yet less risky, blood test that would cost us $800 because it isn't covered by Sask Health or whatever... I think we have decided to get the amniocentesis anyway... at this point I don't think that "not knowing" is an option. I don't want to wait and go all the way to term and then deliver a baby that never in a million years would have survived anyway. That's not to say that I won't try to carry this baby to term no matter what, I just want to be aware of whether or not I can expect to come home with a baby at the end of it at some point. If there is a chance, I want to know. If there is no chance, I want to know.

I am just so lost right now. I don't know what this means for us. I don't know if this will be my last pregnancy anymore. Although, to be honest, I don't know if I will try again regardless of how this turns out. It was always in the plan to have two babies, but even if this one doesn't come home, I don't know if I want to try again.

I really want this baby. This baby is my little foal. My little baby stallion or filly. I don't want another baby I want this one. Difficulties or not, this is my second baby, and I am not ready to let it go.