Ahh the joys of parenting a preteen...
This is the BIG issue we have with Brayden right now and I am at a complete loss. He lies about EVERYTHING and ANYTHING.
What we are really struggling with is how to stop the behaviour without creating an environment of distrust. But we need to figure out how to create an aversion to the behaviour. Everything I read seems contradictory or doesn't offer help at solving the problem.
There are the obvious lies that are just made to avoid doing things that he doesn't want to do...
Me: "Do you have homework today?"
Brayden: "No"
Me: "Then what is this in your backpack?"
Brayden: "That's not homework, I just brought it home in case I wanted to work on it."
Me: "Then why does it say on it that it was due last week?"
Brayden: "...um...."
Me: "Yeah, that's what I thought. Go do your homework."
But then there are the other ones that have no rhyme or reason for happening! The other day he didn't want to eat all of his cereal so he dumped it on his chair and left for school. When I asked him why he did it he just says "I don't know", and won't say anything else to any of my questions...
Me: "why would you leave a mess like that?"
Him: "I don't know"
Me: "How was this the solution to whatever problem you had that seemed like the best idea?"
Him: "I don't know"
Me: "What were you thinking? What made you do this?"
Him: "I don't know"..
Me: "Did you not just walk your bowl to the dishwasher?"
Him: "Yeah."
Me: "Why couldn't you have just put the rest of your cereal down the garberator? It's like one step away from the dishwasher..."
Him: "I don't know"
etc...
etc..
etc....
So I'm trying to read a bunch of articles online about compulsive lying and they all say that you need to find the root of WHY these kids are lying in order to try to stop the behaviour. Great. Perfect. A starting point. I have narrowed it down to two different reasons: 1) Fear: He's afraid of getting in trouble for doing something so he lies about it to try to avoid getting in trouble. and 2) Asserting Dominance: It's that classic preteen power struggle. He thinks that he can outsmart us and that we won't bust him, so he won't have to do whatever and he "wins". This would also tie into his huge attitude problem where we ask him questions and he talks to us like we are stupid or gets really angry at us for asking. Attitude out the wazoo...
OK! So I've got the reasons why he lies. So now what?
Well, apparently punishing him is a bad idea, because if he gets punished, he won't think he's getting punished for lying, he'll think he's getting punished because you found out the truth. SO this will encourage the lying behaviour instead, he will just find more clever ways to lie and try harder to cover his tracks so he won't get caught next time.
However, these articles don't give any alternative! Whatever you do, don't punish they lying! But we're not gunna tell you how to solve the problem anyway. So have fun with that! But I feel if there isn't some negative repercussion for his lying, then that is just encouraging the behaviour. If he lies, and gets busted, and we don't do anything about it, then he'll just lie again next time because the best case scenario for him is that he gets away with it, and the worst case scenario is that he gets busted, but nothing happens anyway, so it's a win-win for him!
The other option that seems to be a bad one is the punishment that fits the crime. So, if he lies about having homework, then I will have to check his dayplanner and his backpack everyday to ensure that he does not actually have homework, but then this creates an environment of distrust. We are showing that we don't trust him (which, frankly, I don't), and that can harm our relationship. He'll be angry that I never trust him, but I can't seem to find another way of knowing that he is telling the truth...
I just feel like I am stuck between a rock and a hard place.
P.S. And just for the record, I have a theory that compulsive lying is genetic... there just happens to be another person we deal with occasionally that also lies whenever she can...
I hate to be this person but....
ReplyDeleteI think you guys could use some family counseling.
And I say this in the most positive family counseling got me through adolescence and still gets me through things every day kind of way. It is Brayden that will benefit, but it won't work if you don't all participate.
Just my two cents.
Thanks Erin. It's always been an option, we've talked about it before, but often it gets better for a while, then gets worse again. So we think we have it under control, then it all comes back.
ReplyDeleteGuess it's time to consider going that route again...
Holy man, that seems IMPOSSIBLE!!
ReplyDeleteAlright. Time must stop.
I know nothing: please keep this in mind when reading this next part, okay? And because you've done the research and I haven't... this is more of a "teach me what you've learned" kind of thing...
"The other option that seems to be a bad one is the punishment that fits the crime. So, if he lies about having homework, then I will have to check his dayplanner and his backpack everyday to ensure that he does not actually have homework, but then this creates an environment of distrust. We are showing that we don't trust him (which, frankly, I don't), and that can harm our relationship. He'll be angry that I never trust him, but I can't seem to find another way of knowing that he is telling the truth..."
... I don't even know how to ask the question I have in my head. MAN- I don't envy you in this situation!! I realize that pre-teens and teens aren't always rational.. but would it be possible to explain that there's a lack of trust because he's lying? Not because there's lack of love in your relationship, but just simply in the fact that he's lied, and HE has broken the trust (not that you have just randomly started to be distrusting).
Nope. See... I should just delete that, because I still don't think I know anything/enough about the situation!
I know what you're saying Dani. And I totally understand why you would come to that conclusion. Totally reasonable. All I can say is that I think it's because in his mind none of this is his fault. It's not his fault that he lied, it's our fault for busting him and punishing him. It might be his age? Maybe? I don't know. Basically I'm at a loss for all of this.
ReplyDeleteOh goodness... If you can figure it out within the next few years... and then tell me, so that when we get to that point we know what to do--- I'd be eternally grateful!! :s
ReplyDeleteI know I am kinda late on this comment...and that my own situation is different...but it may help with some insight.
ReplyDeleteSage went through a lying phase when she first moved in with us. Innocent things like "I did brush my teeth" and "I don't have homework today". It was still lying though and annoying and hurtful.
She wasn't punished for lying but we were sure to call her on it, and tell her how hurtful it was because sometimes kids forget that parents are human :)
Then to break the habit we did things with her. Robert would brush his teeth with her every night, and I would do homework with her after school. I mean I actually did it with her....at the table...together. She loved it! She didn't feel like we were accusing her of anything. Perhaps she needed the extra effort to help her feel more attached to us and secure. Who knows...but she hasn't lied for a long time now and while we still occasionally still brush teeth and do homework with her she typically tends to do it on her own.
Brayden is quite a bit older than Sage so I'm sure the tactic may not work. And he may have other reasons for lying. But once you figure it out the reasons and how to tackle it things will get better!
Good luck!
p.s. kids can be real a holes