... or at least stronger than anyone else would be in my situation.
I had another one of those moments last night where I started thinking about worst case scenarios and brought myself to tears, and it was completely unfounded. There is no reason to think that I should have to worry about what I cried about, but it was just one of those "What If..." moments. Dominic is doing well. He is recovering. He is doing fine. No need to think about what if he wasn't.
And I know that people are trying to be helpful when they tell me that I am "so strong". I'm not. I feel like a fraud when anyone says that. Any loving mother would be doing exactly what I am doing, but in her own way. I still have my breakdowns, but I don't talk about those as often. They don't help anyone. They aren't worth as much as the positive outlook of his recovery. Mostly because they are like the instance above, where they really aren't about what's happening right now anyway. They always seem to be "What if.." situations. Not "How It Is..." scenarios. Even when we found out about Dominic's stroke, I didn't cry about how he was doing right then. No one knew this had happened because he was doing so well. No. I cried about his future. What may or may not happen with his learning abilities, his motor skills, and his general overall quality of life. But right now he is a happy boy who doesn't know that he is different from anyone else. He doesn't realize that his situation is tougher than any other baby's. He's just chugging along, doing great, while his crazy mother is worrying about the future.
I think I can learn a thing or two from Dominic.
I love that he's doing well and that he's a happy boy and is chugging along.
ReplyDeleteI think it speaks volumes that (so I heard) you said, after hearing about the stroke and stuff, that it was like you got the test results back for the wrong kid. He's doing well, and to look at him being as active as he is, and doing like all the other babies do, I'm sure he'll be as ok as all other kids. Just more doctors visits than most kids... Poor boy.
- JMc
I obviously don't have any real understanding of what you're going through, but I do know what it's like to have people tell me I'm strong after tragedy or loss. I thought the same thing. I didn't feel brave, and I KNEW that anybody else going through the same thing would react the same, if not better. I think getting through it all was when I could see things more clearly, and get where others were coming from.
ReplyDeleteMy own personal opinion is that you are strong, but being strong doesn't mean you can't have 'freak outs', or need the support of others. That's what keeps you going and makes you strong.
I don't know if any of that makes sense, but as soon as I read the post, it took me back to the same sort of feelings (about different situations.) I felt like I needed to comment.
Thinking about you and your family.
you are strong, because for all those times when you falter or worry or cry, you bring yourself back with something positive to think about.....that is what makes you special and get through the bumps along the road. I am so glad that Dominic is doing so well and I look forward to the day I can meet him....Thinking of you lots
ReplyDeleteDona