I am happy.

This post is inspired by one of my good friends that did something similar on her blog. I am going to put the same disclaimer that she did...

"This is one of those annoying posts that glorify how awesome my life is, and how much I have to be thankful for what I have in my life right now.

If you aren't in a place to read that right now, please don't continue reading. Put your heart first, ahead of your head"

My life is obviously not perfect, not by any stretch of the imagination. I have rough days as well as good ones, in fact, there are some days where the list that follows does not apply. Where these things do not cause me happiness, but grief instead.

My Happiness is brought to me by...

- my sweet girl whom I love and appreciate every day. Who blows my mind every day as to the things she is learning and how she is SUCH her own little person now. No longer a baby, but a toddler with her own personality. I could never imagine life without her.

- my pregnancy, and impending, second child. This one may surprise some of you considering the troubles and forthcoming unknown looming, but I really am happy about this pregnancy. I enjoy being pregnant and knowing that this baby is going to have difficulties does not change that, especially because I feel that this baby is thriving while inside me (I am really starting to get frustrated with the kicks to my ribs that seem like they can break bones, and the kicks to the lungs that wind me, but I love how strong this baby is), but one of the reasons I was so devastated by the diagnoses is because I don't want a different baby, I want this one, and I am going to do everything in my power to keep this one with me, regardless of the sacrifices I need to make.

- my marriage. Yes, I have those days where I wonder how the hell I ended up married to this guy that does these things that drive me mad, but most of the time we laugh a lot, and make fun of eachother and have date nights (even if they are just in our basement watching DVTRed shows). That I still get little giddy, teenage feelings when he talks about just the two of us going to Vegas, or Bora Bora, or wherever, even though Who Knows when these things will actually happen.

- my home. We do spend some months being a little house poor, but we are where we want to be and never regret buying this house. I love being in my old neighbourhood where everything is so familiar and my parents are just a few blocks away. I love how close we are to the school so that Brayden can just walk there in the morning, and Rosalie will too when she's old enough. I love the developed-ness of it, the fact that there are huge trees everywhere, and cracks in the sidewalk to avoid stepping on or else may result in the breaking of your mother's back.

- the opportunities I have been given. I am thankful for so much that I have.

The Sequel Dilemma

I love re-reading books that I loved the first time around, although I don't do it very often. There are so many new and exciting books out there that I have yet to read, it seems like I am selling myself short by reading books I have already read when I could be reading something new. However there are a few reasons I will re-read a book or series...

First, is when there is a movie coming out. I have this self-sabatoging habit of reading books RIGHT before I see the movie so that I can nit-pick. Sometimes it ruins the movie for me, othertimes I am able to look past the inaccuracies.  If I haven't read the book the movie is based on in the last year or so, then I give it a reread.

Another reason I would reread a book is if it's a classic, or a favourite, book or series that needs to be refreshed every few years. When I was in school, I would reread Harry Potter every Christmas when school was out. I also read Anne of Green Gables every so often, although that one hasn't been read in several years now.

The final reason to reread a book is where my dilemma currently lies... When a sequel to a book is released. I prefer to read a series once the entire series has been released, therefore there is no wait time in between. Sometimes this works and sometimes it doesn't. I read the first Hunger Games novel when the last, Mockingjay, had already been released for example. But often, it doesn't work out that way. Harry Potter is an example of this. I started reading them just after the 4th book was released, and then would quickly read all the previous books in the series before the new one was released. Sometimes I don't realize a book is going to have a sequel, so it's just not predictable for me to wait. An example of this is The Devil Wears Prada and Revenge Wears Prada. I bought the latter at Costco when I was there the other day and I am not totally sure how to handle this. I REALLY want to read it, but it has been several years since I read the first, and I don't really have time to reread anything. Plus, I am SO close to being on target for my GoodReads reading challenge. I think I was a day behind being on target when I finished Accidents of Providence, now I am still back to "one book behind schedule". DAMN! SO CLOSE! The other thing is that I still haven't reread the last Harry Potter book from my set that I bought myself for my birthday TWO birthdays ago... but this reading challenge... I am just too competitive of a person I guess.

Are you a rereader? Or an "only once" type of person?

Coming Out: Part IV

Today was the first day I fought the urge to tell a large group of people about my baby's troubles.

I think this is showing more progress in my acceptance of this situation, and I think that's a good thing.

I think a lot of things aligned today to make me feel like I could start telling people about everything. First of all today was a great day and I felt supported by my coworkers, friends, and family, so after being so positive, the day just made it feel like anything would go perfectly. Second, I think it was the babies. After cuddling and seeing a 6 week and a 3 month old baby, I just wanted to share the predicted story of my baby. Knowing how much I loved those babies that weren't even mine, and feeling that other people would feel the same way about mine, made it a very supportive environment to "come out" to. And then I am sure a great many other things were factors as well. The moon, the stars... you name it...

But I didn't tell. I kept it to myself and stifled the urge to tell everyone.

Why, you ask?

Because this decision is up to more than just me. Roland and I have decided not to tell the world yet, so he needs to be involved when we do decide we are ready. Plus, we don't even have the full results of the amniocentesis back yet. Also, I still think it is too soon. But I am warming up to the idea of posting all of these blogs a month before baby is due, we'll see if I get another opportunity like I did today to tell a group of friends in person... but I won't hold my breath. I think for my purposes, it would limit the amount of time for TOO many people to find out, I don't want a big facebook announcement or anything that will send people rushing to my door, or flooding me with text messages. But I do want some people to know. The truth of the matter is that I will probably need help. For the amount of time that I will need to travel back and forth to the hospital with this one, I will need someone to look after Rosalie, and after the summer, my mom will probably not be available, so I may need to ask for help, and those that want to help... well, maybe I need to be more accepting of that and try not to do everything on my own.

I am also realizing that I need to stop being insulted by people who want to offer support and help. People will feel bad for me, and I need to be ok with that, and stop treating it like they are doing it out of obligation or pity. That it is ok for people to offer help and also ok for me to accept it. Especially because this support and help is only predicted right now... no one has done anything... so why do I get so frustrated? Because I am a bat-shit crazy pregnant woman... that's why...

Accidents of Providence

Rachel Lockyer is under investigation for murder.

It is 1649. King Charles has been beheaded for treason. Amid civil war, Cromwell's army is running the country. The Levellers, a small faction of political agitators, are calling for rights to the people. And a new law targeting unwed mothers and “lewd women” presumes anyone who conceals the death of her illegitimate child is guilty of murder.

Rachel Lockyer, unmarried glove maker, and William Walwyn, Leveller hero, are locked in a secret affair. But while William is imprisoned in the Tower, a child is found buried in the woods and Rachel is arrested.

So comes an investigation, public trial, and a cast of extraordinary characters made up of ordinary Londoners: gouty investigator Thomas Bartwain, fiery Elizabeth Lilburne and her revolution-chasing husband, Huguenot glover Mary Du Gard, a lawyer for the prosecution hell-bent on making an example of Rachel, and others. Spinning within are Rachel and William, their remarkable love story, and the miracles that come to even the commonest lives.


I found this book extremely difficult to rate. I liked it, it is right up my alley, but there was something about it that was a bit off, and I can't totally put my finger on it. So it got a 4/5 on GoodReads rather than a 5/5.

The topic in this book, about prosecuting women that hide the deaths of their newborn bastards, really reminded me of the witch hunts that happened in the Europe and the United States around the same time. It wasn't so much about the act itself as it was just trials trying to condemn women. Extremely sad, extremely unfair, and almost always resulting in a conviction that ended in the execution of the woman. 

I think the most important plot device in this novel is that the trials are never concerned with motive, only proving the death of the child, the maternity of the child, and that the death came unnaturally. So by following the trial, we don't really find out what happened to the baby until very late in the book... and then I cried... and CrIed, and CRIED. It was awful and sad and not at all what I expected. The impression I got from everyone that testified at her trial was that they were honest, but just that there was some fact that everyone was missing, and that the child's death was not, somehow, malicious. But I still could not have predicted what actually happened. 

Perhaps not the greatest topic for a book to be read by someone that is pregnant and particularly emotional right now. I should have seen that one coming. 

I didn't do much fact checking in this one, mostly because it didn't seem like there was a lot to check that stood out as inaccurate as far as my knowledge was concerned, I don't know much about the English Civil War period law or anything, but if anyone reads this one and finds something wrong with it, please let me know. 

Prepping for Baby

I have had this urge to go and start pulling out Rosalie's old newborn (that she never wore) and 0-3 month clothes the last week or so, but I still feel like it's a bit early. We still have lots to do before we can really prep baby's nursery. One would think it would be easier the second time around, and for most, it probably is, but for me, this time it seems tougher. Last time all of our prep really happened in the last month when we took possession of our new home. We had collected things we needed (change table, crib, all that big stuff) and stored it until we could just move it all into the empty room that would become Rosalie's, set it up, and bingo-bango-bongo we we ready. This time a lot more things need to happen it seems.

First of all, a lot of shuffles need to happen. At the end of the school year, Brayden will be moving into the basement bedroom to make room for baby upstairs. But even before that move we need to clean it out and paint it. Right now, there is A LOT of crap in that room. So I think we need to cleanse a bit as well as find different places to store the things we plan on keeping (like all of my teacher crap, and as any of the teachers out there will know, that can amount to A LOT of stuff). We have collected a few more big items that will actually be put to use, like Rosalie's vanity and dresser that won't fit in the nursery room right now, but once Brayden moves into the basement room, we will paint his old room and Rosalie will move in there, along with her furniture. Then we will really start to prep for Baby in Rosalie's old room. THAT's when I can start pulling out the baby clothes.

I am also desperately trying not to buy any new baby clothes until after he/she is born. Before Rosalie was born, I went crazy buying her girl things, but also bought a few gender neutral things just in case the ultrasound tech was wrong and we had a boy. So I know we are covered for a little while with what we have, but I still need to fight the urge to buy any baby clothes... or sheets... or change table pad covers...

But really, if we have a boy I think the theme of any baby shower or baby gifts should be "DRESS THIS CHILD" because really I don't think I have anything very gender neutral after the first 3 months. If it's a girl... I will have no idea what to ask for because I think we will pretty much have everything we need...

And just for the record, anyone that has had boys in the past, I love hand-me-downs and I would REALLY appriciate them if you want to get rid of some!! Just putting it out there... ;)

Day 200

I am now 200 days in to this pregnancy. Only 80 left! That seems crazy. Not only because 80 days doesn't seem like that long, but also because 200 days seems like forever!

At my 24 week Dr's appointment, my doctor made a statement about how this baby isn't a small baby, and my 28 week appointment on Friday confirmed that. For those who aren't aware, once the growth of your uterus has gotten above your belly button during pregnancy, the doctor measures it as part of your routine appointments. This measurement in centimetres should be the same number, on average, of how many weeks gestation your baby is at. At my 24 week appointment my pelvis to fundus (top of uterus) was measuring 25 cm, leading her to comment that my baby isn't small. At my 28 week appointment, she measured me about 3 times, then asked me to confirm how many weeks I am. I stated "28" and she said ok, and walked away. I asked if I was measuring a cm over still, and she said "Actually, I got 31 cm"... so... yeah... this baby is not small.... and may be splitting me in half during delivery methinks....

Coming Out: Part III

I have been really struggling with the thought of telling people what is going on with this baby.

Some people know of course. My parents were the first outsiders to find out, I told them after we got news about the heart defect (but before we had talked to the cardiologist) at Roland's strong urging. I was still in a place where I didn't want to tell anyone then, but I think Roland thought he was in over his head and needed someone else to take some of my tears. My mom is a great sounding board and support for tough stuff like this. I was glad I told her then. My brother was around the same day, so he walked in on our convo and found out. Roland told his parents later that night. My mom told my sister after we saw the cardiologist. I told my buddy Erin after I made a comment on facebook about wishing that drinking would solve problems rather than create them. She was the only person that recognized that I was struggling and not just joking around about having to abstain during pregnancy. Roland also had to tell a couple people at work right as soon as that second ultrasound turned out to be sketchy. Once we knew we were in for a bunch of extra specialist appointments, he felt that if he tried to be vague about reasons it would look sketchy, so he just told them right out. I also told my supervisor at work, because I know that I will be booking sick often for these additional appointments, and it's not like I have a choice when they are and can book them on my days off. With specialists, they tell you when your appointment is, not ask when you would like to come in.

That is the all-inclusive list at the moment. Brayden doesn't know, really, because I don't think he needs to. It's not like he can help, and he doesn't need to worry about it...

As far as friends and extended family... when is the best time to tell people?

No one else really needs to know. I am worried about extensive pity and forced support while people are actually thinking "I'm glad that's not me". I know that no one wants it to be them, but... I just don't want to see that on peoples faces. So, that is why now doesn't seem to be a good time. The due date is too far away yet and I only want to have to deal with other people as long as I have to.

My doctor has said she will give me a sick note to stop working at a moments notice if I feel I need it. So I was thinking that if I decide that I do need to stop working, then that would be a good time. But at the same time, frankly, no one really asks me about work outside of my family, so if I go off work once the June schedule is posted, then I won't show up as on Sick Leave until July... so really, no one will notice I'm not working.

Perhaps after the intensive amniocentesis results are back? If this is chromosomal, I may need help with a great many things after this baby is born. This would be a good opportunity to swallow my pride and ask for it... but... ugh... I dunno...

I was thinking maybe I would just post an update on facebook when baby is born... something along the lines of "[baby name] Tomyn was born at xx:xx, weighing ? lbs, ? oz, and was whisked off to the nicu shortly after birth due to some complications. We will not be entertaining visitors outside of immediate family for the time being" but my sister pointed out that something like this might just entice people to call, text, post on facebook asking more questions and would make things worse. At least if I do it before this point, it will ease the inundation of communication all at once...

I don't think there really is a perfect time to tell people about things like this. There is no "standard-tell-people" milestone like there is with a pregnancy (I support the 3 month marker, personally, but it's definitely up to mom and dad to determine when the time is right). So I guess we will just wait until it feels like it's time. Or maybe it will present itself in a way that will make it easier. Anyone that knows me knows I am a terrible liar, so if someone were to be, like, "hey, did you ever have that second ultrasound?", it might be a good segway in to talking about it... we'll see...

'Cuz right now I have no bloody clue...