Today Roland, Rosalie and I made our way to RUH to see a specialist to do another ultrasound with the baby. It was scary, but at the same time I had researched the crap out of the whole cleft lip/palate thing, so I felt prepared.
I was not prepared.
There is a very real possibility this baby might not make it. The heart doesn't look good, the baby has a bilateral cleft palate and cleft lip... the doctor said that when there are two serious, unrelated issues generally they look towards chromosomal abnormalities, which means that there could be a lot more issues they can't see.
(On a side note, this heart thing which is now a big deal the first radiologist skimmed over. I feel like he is purposely keeping me off guard. At our first ultrasound he focused on the heart, but just said that because of how baby was positioned, we couldn't get a good picture. Oh yeah, and we want another face one. Then for the followup, he focuses on the face, the possible cleft palate... oh and by the way, I'm still not happy with the heart. So I am never prepared for what they tell me at the next stage. I understand he can't give me a diagnosis, but give me some hint at the severity! Give me something! Don't just lie and skim over things. Distract me while giving me more bad information.)
The RUH doctor has asked me to come back to see a cardiologist that will look at the heart to see how bad it is, at the same time, we have the option of doing an amniocentesis in order to figure out if the problem is on a chromosomal level. The problem with amniocentesis is that there is a 1% chance that it could cause me to go into preterm labour, and with all of the problems we already know this baby has, I can only assume it probably wouldn't make it if I did. Another option is a far less reliable, yet less risky, blood test that would cost us $800 because it isn't covered by Sask Health or whatever... I think we have decided to get the amniocentesis anyway... at this point I don't think that "not knowing" is an option. I don't want to wait and go all the way to term and then deliver a baby that never in a million years would have survived anyway. That's not to say that I won't try to carry this baby to term no matter what, I just want to be aware of whether or not I can expect to come home with a baby at the end of it at some point. If there is a chance, I want to know. If there is no chance, I want to know.
I am just so lost right now. I don't know what this means for us. I don't know if this will be my last pregnancy anymore. Although, to be honest, I don't know if I will try again regardless of how this turns out. It was always in the plan to have two babies, but even if this one doesn't come home, I don't know if I want to try again.
I really want this baby. This baby is my little foal. My little baby stallion or filly. I don't want another baby I want this one. Difficulties or not, this is my second baby, and I am not ready to let it go.
This is just so heartbreaking. Even though you've allowed these posts to finally be visible now that you're at 37 weeks, and I'm reading this when things aren't looking too bad, this is still hard to read. I can't imagine, no one who hasn't been through this can imagine, what feelings you've gone through. You're a very strong person, and I'm sorry you've had to go through such fear.
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